The urge to be absolutely honest can sometimes be overpowering. As I stare at the blank white box of this blog, my inner editor is already hard at work – its red marker pen slashes the content even before it gets formulated. What am I trying to curb? Mostly, it is the impulse to write honestly about how I feel about writing. Interesting only to me and just self-indulgent to everyone else.
If that didn’t make much sense – what I’m trying to talk about is how creativity can make one feel. Exposed and vulnerable. Wanting to pour it all out in one long stream of verbiage – so uncontrolled that it might be utterly liberating. Believing deep within that a life lived like a fraud, conforming to boring rules is surely an unedifying one. The adrenalin rush of being bold and rebellious is a very real high that I aspire to. Until it leaves you feeling flat and dejected or worse worthless, “it was all rubbish anyway”. Even accolades and glory don’t mean much – there is something else that gnaws away about one’s self-worth. The destructive nature of one’s own mind has endless possibilities. The cleverer you are, the more complex the twists and turns of this vast box of neural transmitters that is the grindstone of a brain that rests on your neck.
It has been important to think about all of this in the week that the wonderful actor and comedian, Robin Williams has died. A man who was a quantum leap ahead of all his contemporaries. Such was his prodigious talent that came with equal measures of humility. The times he’s bravely stood on that thin brink, for our entertainment are innumerable. The edge of the precipice is a scary place – so what do people like me do? Take a few steps back and flop on the ground, contemplating the abyss with fear.
The other night, I dreamt of being in a hot air balloon – not at all unusual in itself as the Bristol balloon fiesta has just taken place and the sight of a clear sky dotted with giant lollipops always a cheery one. But I’ve never wanted to go up in a balloon, scared as I am of heights. Out of some curiosity, I decided to check the significance of the dream (another useless pastime, equal to checking one’s horoscope). As can be the case in these silly forays into the world of hocus-pocus, the truth within was refreshing and left me quite uplifted (!!).
To see or dream that you are in a hot air balloon suggests that it is time to overcome your depression. The dream may be a metaphor indicating that you are losing your ground or your foothold on some situation/problem. Alternatively, it represents the process of individuation and your quest to fulfil some spiritual needs. Perhaps, you want to be elevated in someone’s eyes.